life gets weird.

life can get so weird and messy and chaotic and i don't even know anymore. sometimes it scares me with how different everything can get from what it was before. i've ended up feeling changed by such an unusual amount from who i used to be.

is that normal?

to look back at previous years like it was all a totally opposite life from now? like you were such a different person? because that's what i'm experiencing right now, and it is w e i r d, man.

so much of the lifestyle i grew up with and learned to love is not part of me anymore. i was such a happy-go-lucky kid and now, i don't know, it's just not the same. i still love to laugh, i still love to be happy, but... i don't feel happy.

i feel confused.

my world has flipped a complete 180º, and now my brain is stuck in a blender, not knowing what to think anymore. i feel like i don't belong anywhere anymore, and that's caused my whole lifestyle to take a turn for the worse. it's not a healthy one, and i don't take care of myself. everything's so new and strange and different and i guess i'm having a tough time getting used to it and figuring what to do.

and this blog? the whole reason why i rarely posted or felt like i had to constantly change the appearance was because i only cared about the followers. i was worrying too much about that little number on the right by trying to look like a funny, popular teenager that was having the time of her life. but i'm not, and that kept me from using this space as somewhere i could really feel like me.

so you know what? i'm done with all that. i'm done with trying to look like someone i'm not. i'm done with not feeling welcome in the space i created by myself, for myself.

i've been told that even if it isn't all pleasant topics, it's still a good idea to write everything down. to get all of the hairy mess out of your head and into words, especially if it's on a surface where other people can relate or help you feel welcome. because that's how you heal. that's how you get your thoughts organized and your life figured out--or at least more so than it was before.

and that's my plan.

now you, as a reader, don't have to keep following me if you followed me before. no hard feelings, i promise. but if you're willing to stick with me through this journey, i couldn't be more appreciative. <3 i don't know how much this corner of the internet will differ from what it was, but it's definitely not going to always be so happy-go-lucky. everyone has their rainy days, right? and i want, no, i need a place where i can just let it all out, the good and the bad. a little messy, yes, but this is my life.

this is me.