an explanation

by - September 15, 2018


life gets weird.

life can get so weird and messy and chaotic and i don't even know anymore. sometimes it scares me with how different everything can get from what it was before. i've ended up feeling changed by such an unusual amount from who i used to be.

is that normal?

to look back at previous years like it was all a totally opposite life from now? like you were such a different person? because that's what i'm experiencing right now, and it is w e i r d, man.

so much of the lifestyle i grew up with and learned to love is not part of me anymore. i was such a happy-go-lucky kid and now, i don't know, it's just not the same. i still love to laugh, i still love to be happy, but... i don't feel happy.

i feel confused.

my world has flipped a complete 180º, and now my brain is stuck in a blender, not knowing what to think anymore. i feel like i don't belong anywhere anymore, and that's caused my whole lifestyle to take a turn for the worse. it's not a healthy one, and i don't take care of myself. everything's so new and strange and different and i guess i'm having a tough time getting used to it and figuring what to do.

and this blog? the whole reason why i rarely posted or felt like i had to constantly change the appearance was because i only cared about the followers. i was worrying too much about that little number on the right by trying to look like a funny, popular teenager that was having the time of her life. but i'm not, and that kept me from using this space as somewhere i could really feel like me.

so you know what? i'm done with all that. i'm done with trying to look like someone i'm not. i'm done with not feeling welcome in the space i created by myself, for myself.

i've been told that even if it isn't all pleasant topics, it's still a good idea to write everything down. to get all of the hairy mess out of your head and into words, especially if it's on a surface where other people can relate or help you feel welcome. because that's how you heal. that's how you get your thoughts organized and your life figured out--or at least more so than it was before.

and that's my plan.

now you, as a reader, don't have to keep following me if you followed me before. no hard feelings, i promise. but if you're willing to stick with me through this journey, i couldn't be more appreciative. <3 i don't know how much this corner of the internet will differ from what it was, but it's definitely not going to always be so happy-go-lucky. everyone has their rainy days, right? and i want, no, i need a place where i can just let it all out, the good and the bad. a little messy, yes, but this is my life.

this is me.
☼     ☼     ☼

this song was kind of the inspiration for the name change, and i just ugh. i really like it. one of the best songs when you're in need of a boost, hands down.


You May Also Like

15 comments

  1. I’m still sticking around. *high fives* I’m glad you’re doing what you believe is right. Sometimes all we need is to be ourselves to find out where we are meant to be. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for your support, girl. it means a lot. <3 and yeah, i agree. that's essentially what this mess of a post was trying to say, haha. XD

      Delete
  2. I'm sticking with you. No, I don't know you all that well, and yes, it's been a while since I've seen a post from you or talked with you.

    But, you stuck with me, someone you didn't know, when I was getting hate on my book. So, yes, life is up and down and in between and things get messy. But I look forward to seeing all the above on this blog. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that honestly means so much to me like wow thank you, you blessed human. you are so awesome and talented yourself, and please don't ever give up writing. you're gonna go so far with it; i just know you will. <3

      Delete
  3. Awwwwwww Suzy, you are an adorable smol bean. I understand it. Competely. I love your new blog design, though! It is aaaaamazing. So awesome. Keep it up, and you're awesome, and keep daydreaming. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aksdjhfak thankssss. you're aaaamazing too, and dontcha forget that. <333

      Delete
  4. Hey, Suzy. It's nice to meet you. <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. suzy let me tell you something:
    you are a real gem <33 throw everything at us that you need to get out but make sure to include some oreos in the mix k lol?? ly girl !! <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ahhhhhh that was so nice and comforting and gah i dunno what to say. thanks so much girl, i'll def try. ^-^ (and yes, we can't forget the oreos like that would be so awful omg) ly too girl, you're the best <33

      Delete
  6. I'm so excited that you're back! I'm think it's awesome that you've decided to use your blog this way - there's no point in blogging if everything you're doing is just to get more followers, right? I'm really sorry that you've been feeling the way you have, and I hope you're able find some direction. :) Remember that God believes in you and that you always have a place with Him. :) If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here!

    -Clara <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah, me too!! and hopefully for a while this time, too. :) thank you so so much for the support, Clara, it means a whole lot. i mean, this comment alone honestly made my day. <33 i know God's got a plan for my life, it's just a matter of figuring it out and gettin' through it. and lol it's gonna be a wild ride, but that's all part of the fun of it, right?? thanks again for being such a dang fabulous friend. <3

      Delete
  7. HELLO FRIEND I’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH
    Girl, you are amazing. Don’t forget that ok?? And this blog is for you, so don’t worry about what anyone else thinks :) (but tbh I always adore your blog no matter what you do with it)
    I’ll be praying for you my dear fren, and I’m here for you!! please let me know anytime if you need anything *hugs and gives lots of oreos* <333

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMIGOSHOSHSH HEY FREN
      asdgjhiasdgah i missed you too!! also wow i keep forgetting how amazing you are, bc that means so so much, girl. thank you and just *all the hugs* <33333

      Delete
  8. Thank you for the realness of this post. I love the new name and I'm excited for your new posts. :)

    Nabila | Hot Town Cool Girl

    ReplyDelete